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20120924
20121002
Search Results 0 to 18 of about 19 (some duplicates have been removed)
networks >> stephen: tonight, the polls are not favoring mitt romney. great, first the british, now he's in trouble with polish people. (laughter) then, outrage in the n.f.l. though after a few more concussions who will remember? (laughter) and my guest, claressa shields, is the first woman to win gold in olympic boxing. i will float like a butterfly and ask questions also like a butterfly. (laughter) i have gotten a iphone 5! (cheers and applause) and apple maps says i'm in norway! this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." please, thank you for joining us. i lost the emmy. (laughter) speaking of losing, mitt romney. (laughter) he has had a run of bad luck lately and this past weekend was no different. on saturday, ann romney's plane had to make an emergency landing after an electrical fire broke out on board. now, i'm happy to hear that she is fine. no one's sure wha
the romney campaign is an incompetent one." wrong, peggy. that time was six months ago. [cheers and applause] but now -- but now but wonhe -- and folks there's a new video that strikes a crushing blow to the obama campaign and it's everywhere from fox news to fox business news. >> tonight a new recording surfaces, this time it's president obama who gets caught. >> the president is now dealing with his own words on tape coming back to haunt him. >> president obama's turn to be haunted by an old tape. >> it's interesting because both campaigns now have these tapes but you may not hear about the obama tape only if you are watching fox news to hear the counter response. >> stephen: in truth, only on fox news will be hear the world counter reply. let's hear the tape. >> the trick is figuring out how do we structure governmentsomes that pool resources and fas sill tate some redistribution because i actually believe in redistribution. >> stephen: he dropped the ibomb redistribution which is is fancy talk for a black guy is coming for your stuff. [ laughter ] here is his vision you pay taxes to a s
for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always hated change. that's why i'm solidly against transformers, shrinky-dinks and air caterpillars. (laughter) and don't tell me you've always felt like a butterfly trapped
at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media cleverly disguised as conservative media. >> romney stuck his foot in his mouth. he shou
commits suicide." (laughter and applause) sad. sad. sad. (applause) folks, mitt romney has been dogged all week by his handling of the libya crisis. but yesterday the romney people shifted gears to change the game. >> there is a push by the romney campaign to refocus, to somehow reset. they want to really change the focus. >> stephen: well, i'm happy to say that by last night no one was focused on libya anymore. (applause) >> mitt romney is in damage control after a magazine revealed a secret video showing him making some controversial comments about americans. >> it's now raising tough new questions for his presidential campaign. >> this tape has shaken the romney campaign to say the least. >> stephen: shaken to say the least. vomiting blood to say the most. (laughter) but still no libya. (applause) okay, that's a victory. now, folks, here's what happened. way back in may mitt spoke at a $50,000 a plate fund-raiser at the boca raton home of private equity management marc leder who is best known for throwing some wild parties including one in the hamptons last summer where guests cavorted
is trying to read the tea leaves. except romney who as a mormon is allowed only to read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind. so there's hope. (laughter) in fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it. mitt i
primary i believed fervently in the exact opposite of what i told cbs' skoept" romney, which is also a terrible nickname. >> look, it doesn't make sense for us to have millions and millions of people have no health insurance and yet who can go to the emergency room and get entirely free care for which they have no responsibility. when they show up at the hospital, they get care, they get free care paid for by you and me. if that's not a form of socialism, i don't know what is. (laughter) >> jon: the uninsured being cared for in emergency rooms is irresponsible and socialist and i am totally cool that. (laughter) that's how your state wants to deal with it. you see, whatever his missteps are as a candidate barack obama is surging in the polls because the closer we get to the election it is dumber mitt romney appears to be getting. (cheers and applause) here he is touting his economic plan-- settle down. really? is that how you want to win this thing? (laughter) the other guy just tears his a.c.l., is that how you want to win? (laughter) here's romney touting his economic plan at the s
't that something? wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with
to resurrect the ottoman empire by denying us bacon. (laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have plenty of prayers-- thank thanks to a new web site called 40daystosaveamerica.com. >> all around us we see a nation falling around us into attacks on religious liberty. we're asking pastors and congregations all over america to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. prayer plus fasting plus action equals change. >> stephen: that's amazing. because usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out. (laughter) now, the hero-- (applause) the hero behind this project is texas pastor rick scarborough who last august helped launch rick perry's pr
will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) tonight i am proud to introduce my new book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) it is fulle market principles and tonight in keeping with those principles my coverage of me talking about my own book is brought to you by burger king-- home of the "why don't you buy this book"? (laughter) folks, this is the complete conservative guiding principle that mitt needs on everything: jobs, health care, even the controversial practice of hydrofracking which i explain with the help of a cartoon farting dinosaur. (applause) but don't worry. it's not all that technical. and mitt romney, the first copy is yours! second copy is mine. (laughter) i can't wait to read it. now let me just inscribe this bad boy right here. okay. uh-huh. uh-huh. "to mitt, use this book to become president." (laughter) "just make me ambassador to middle earth. (cheers and applause) yours, stephen colbert." okay. put that bad boy in an envelope and send! (cheers and
Search Results 0 to 18 of about 19 (some duplicates have been removed)